CROWDED THOUGHTS

Do I continue to push myself to the next limit? Or stay and develop relationships with people around me?  Do they have to be mutually exclusive? Am I only focusing on what I want at the moment and not thinking of my future? Am I selfish because I want to stay here? Is it God's calling that I want to stay here? Why do I want to stay here?

The question of the moment is: should I extend my studies in Seoul further for one more semester?

Right now I have a raging debate going on in my head and it doesn't seem to be ceasing any time soon.  It's been two months since I first arrived in Seoul and yet it feels like I've been here so much longer.  I have fallen into the pattern of daily life here, just like daily life was back at home.  University, friends and church. But why does it feel more natural here than it does anywhere else?

I spoke to my parents this evening and we discussed whether staying in Seoul was a good idea or not.  My dad is against it.  He wants me to go back to Adelaide, study hard and then apply for another exchange to England.  That was actually the initial plan - one semester in Korea and one semester in England.  However, I didn't get into the England exchange program so the Korea exchange took place first.  Now that I'm here, I find myself not wanting to leave so soon.  I feel like if I stayed here for one year, then I would be able to let Seoul go more easily than if I left only after five months.  One semester only gives a shallow taste of what Korea is like and thus I would feel extremely eager to go back,  but one year would leave a deeper impression and probably satisfy me for a longer period of time.  Of course, I don't know if that's actually true or whether that's just my 'logical' reasoning for staying.

My dad mentioned that I should also go to England for the additional cultural experience.  One semester in an Asian country and one semester in a European country would be extremely beneficial for my CV, but I'm thinking about if it's good for me on a relationship-with-other-people basis.  I don't like shallow relationships.  When I become friends with somebody, the first thing I want to do is have a D&M with them and learn about their life story.  Sounds kind of weird, but I want to be able to help them and connect with them on a level where words aren't needed.  So for me to make friends in one semester and leave makes me feel like I've violated one of my personal rules.  I knew that I would make friends here and have to leave them, but if there's an option of getting to know them further by staying here longer .....I want to take that choice.

P.S. sorry about not updating for so long.  I've had mid-term exams (which are OVER! ^^) so I haven't actually been doing much.  Hopefully I'll start taking photos of what I do everyday again so I can start posting more often :)

WHERE ARE YOU?

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book." ~ Psalm 56:8

The Bible talks about how before we were even born, God knew everything about us already.  What we looked like, what we will look like later on, what our personalities are, why we'll think a certain way and most importantly: what our struggles will be.  It definitely is a comfort to me knowing that God knows about what I'm going through, but something which has always bothered me is that although He may know what we're going through, He's not here to hold my hand and teach me how to get through it.  He's not here so I can ask Him what to do and actually get a physical answer back.

I've recently realised that I've always only told God about everything and things have always worked out, but a lot of situations and questions have been popping up recently and it's a little overwhelming.  They're not big issues but they are problems which I would like to go away as soon as possible, or at least understand why they're here and why I can't seem to solve them.

And you know what's ironic?  As I'm typing this out in a coffee shop near the university, the background music is Michael Jackson's "You are not alone".  Thanks God :)

PRETTY FLOWERS

Today I went to 여의도 Yeouido to look at the cherry blossoms, which are supposed to be amazingly beautiful and gorgeous.  I had heard from some people that the flowers hadn't fully bloomed yet, but I still wanted to go and take a look at them by myself before going with other friends.  Sometimes friends can be really distracting, you know? Anyway, the 'some people' were right.  A lot of the trees hadn't bloomed yet, but you could definitely see that within the next few days the whole park would be alight with pink and white flowers.

I've also found that I have a habit (obsession.....? noooo...) for taking pictures of couples and children.  Wherever I go, there will always be cute little children or loving couples walking by, and I have to take photos of them.  I don't know really know why, except I find that children are so easy to shoot for a good picture.  Maybe it's because they're so innocence that their purity can radiate even through the camera.  And couple pictures are just so lovely to look at in general.  Should I create a photography diary page as well? Hmm...

On an entirely different note, midterm exams are next week.  Big Sigh.  I can't say I'm not used to having exams in such a short period of time because the law trimesters have prepared me for that - it's just that everyone at home is having their Easter/mid-semester break and I have to study.  But I am in Korea, so I know that exams and studying are a big deal here.  I've written out some of my study plan already and I fully intend on following it as well because the exams are NEXT WEEK and I don't have time to waste.  There's so much stuff to learn and remember for each class, especially the theory ones where there are no pictures to help me remember.  I guess it's back to hardcore Asian rote memorizing again.  Fun times :)

PERFECT TIMING

You know what?  God really does have his perfect timing.  Yesterday was a pretty emotional rollercoaster day even by my standards, and by the end of it I was completely drained.  First of all, I haven't really been sleeping well for the past week so I was extremely tired.  And then I went from feeling stressed and nervous about leading worship for the first time to church, to fun and awe when I went on a 'picnic' with church to Namsan Tower, to bittersweetness during dinner and coffee with friends to absolute seething anger by the end of the day because of something personal.  But it feels like God set up the day to happen just like that in order for me to learn about who I am and how I work.  

Yesterday's sermon was about salvation, and the pastor painted this image in my mind:

Imagine the whole world is on a hill. At the top is Heaven and at the bottom is Hell.  Everyone you know is running down the hill because it's fun and it's natural.  They're also carrying heavy bags (of sin) which keep getting bigger and bigger which makes it harder to stop going down due to the force of acceleration (he said gravity, but being the physics nerd that I am *cough*, I remembered that gravity doesn't change).  And then you see one or two people trying to go up the hill.  Why? Why would anyone want to go UP the hill? It's so difficult, it's so tiresome and it goes against the grain of the world's mindset.  

That's a short extraction from his sermon, but later he went on to ask where we, as Christians, were on that hill?  When he asked that question in the morning, I answered that I was between crawling and walking up the hill.  But last night, after all the crazy mixture of emotions and things going on, I was this close to running straight down the hill.  If it wasn't for one of my best friends helping me through the situation and advising me, I probably would have done something which I'd regret because I wanted to take things into my own hands and do what I felt right.  If it wasn't for Pastor Luke's sermon sticking with me and reminding me that I was going down the hill, it wouldn't have occurred to me that I needed to step back and re-evaluate my actions.  If it wasn't for two people telling me that I needed to go back to the Bible (on different situations), then I wouldn't have looked up verses on anger and saw God's message to me.  And at the end of the day, I remembered a line which came up during our Bible study: "GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH!"  At that time it was more of a joke, but last night it was perfect.  

LAZY UPDATE #7

Hmm...I keep falling into the trap of being too lazy to write down what goes on most days so I end up trying to remember everything and feeling overwhelmed by all of it, which will explain the lack of posts.  That, and I get distracted by other things e.g. watching series and my other favourite pastime ;) .

Last Saturday the International Office took all the exchange students in Chung Ang University (Anseong campus included) to the Korean Folk Village 민속촌 minsokchon.  This village is where they shoot a lot of the olden-day dramas and movies like The King and the Clown and Sungkyunkwan Scandal.  The surroundings are pretty much what you would have found in the olden days - straw huts, medicine shops, community entertainment arenas, noble's houses etc.

The office had organised some interactive activities for us: making a cup out of clay, a tour around the whole village and 떡 ddeok (Korean rice cake)  making.  The clay cup experience was really fun.  Each of us got a slab of rectangular clay, which we then had to mould into the shape of a vase/cup and decorate it however we wanted.  They said it took one month for the whole process to be finished - making, firing, glazing - so we'll get them back later.  The ddeok making was pretty fun too.  In the beginning it was a big lump of mixture, and volunteers went up to pound it with a huge hammer.  Afterwards they cut it up and we all tried it.  I liked it, but a lot of the Caucasian students didn't really like the chewy texture.  Cultural difference, maybe?

That night I went out with some friends for a Chinese dinner and some drinks afterwards.  Dinner was okay, but it made me miss my grandma and my mum and their home-cooked meals.  I always scoffed at the thought of people missing home-cooked meals because I always had them, but now I really really miss them!!  Afterwards we went to a little cafe with a very relaxed atmosphere and proceeded to be the loudest group in the place, but what else do you expect from a bunch of foreigners right?

On Monday night, I had dinner with a friend I had met through Samil Church but who is currently pastoring at another church.  It was a really spontaneous dinner which turned out to be really really fun.  I had posted up on Facebook that I wanted Korean barbecue and Amber immediately replied that she did too, so we made plans right there and then.  I really thank God for leading me to Amber during my stay in Seoul because she's someone I know who will be able to help me if I have any troubles.

On Wednesday I went to have a really early dinner (4:30 pm) with Jenny because we both hadn't had any lunch so we were starving.  Initially we were going to eat samgyeopsal, which turned into pizza but then we ended up eating chicken.  We went for coffee afterwards and did some studying.

Yesterday was a very 'scary' day for a lot of people.  The weather forecast predicted that the rain which was coming contained radioactive particles in it, so everyone was very freaked out and cautious about covering themselves up.  I still don't know what I think about the radiation situation.  On one hand I am pretty nonchalant about it since I've never really had any direct connections to radiation or events where radiation affected people I know, but there's also that paranoid side of me where I'm freaking out because I don't want my babies to be deformed, you know?  It's a very messy situation in my brain right now, as usual.

On another note, I think I'm going to try and start writing more on here.  I dislike the fact that I only update what I do as opposed to what I've always blogged about i.e. my thoughts and my opinions.  I feel like I've changed a little bit since I've gotten here, but I don't know if it's a good or bad thing.  Sometimes things come and go so quickly that I don't really think about what I do or the consequences from my actions.  I don't want to be like that anymore.

A DIFFERENT LIFE

I've been having some pretty interesting conversations with my friends here over the past few days.  Last night I went to a little cafe/shop with some friends where we had chocolate fondant and Sangria, which is kind of like a red wine fruit punch.  We sat for four hours in that little cafe discussing everything from how Finnish people have saunas in their houses to Americans driving 1.5 km to the post office because they're too lazy to walk.  It was such an enjoyable evening because of how different everyone was.  Back at home, I don't think I've ever really talked to people from other countries other than Hong Kong and China.  And sometimes I think they don't really count because I am Chinese so it's not like they're foreign to me or what they do is different to what I do.

Today, after our Bible study session, me and Pam (church friend) didn't really feel like going home so we stayed around the area and hung out.  She took me to this Korean baseball hitting place (you see it all the time in dramas) near the church and I can say, with confidence, that I suck at baseball.  I hit three balls out of twenty while she hit pretty much every single one.  After that we went to a coffee shop, where one of the guys from church came to join us and the three of us (another guy came and joined, but then left) stayed in the shop and talked for a long time.  I realise, after tonight's conversations, that there are so many things I take for granted and also shouldn't complain about so much.  When I listen to other people's stories and experiences, I feel so silly for worrying about my own little life.

And honestly, when I think about what I've been hearing, seeing and experiencing in the past few weeks, the revelation that I am so inexperienced and ignorant of what goes on around me becomes stronger and stronger.  Every single day I'm here, I realise how much more there is to learn about the world - politics, economics, culture, media - and how little of all that I was exposed to back at home.  I mean, I have no regrets about living the conservative life I have at home because it has shaped me to who I am today, but now I wonder if I could adapt back to living like that again once I go back.