REFLECTION

Today's post isn't really about what I've done in Seoul for the past two weeks, or what I've eaten or what I've bought.  I'm going to focus on where my thoughts have led me; what have I been thinking about during these fourteen days?

In a lot of the classes which I take, the professors ask each individual to introduce their names, major, why they chose the class and what their future dream is.  What's surprised me is that most of the students are really clear on what they want in their life.  "I want to be a drama producer", "I want to be a documentary director", "I want to be a journalist because my father is one, and I respect him a lot."  It's so different to what I'm used to - because at home, no one knows what they want to do.  It's a lot of should-I-do-this-or-that'ing, a lot of oh-I-don't-know-it'll-work-out-somehow'ing.  When I sit and listen to the students in my classes, I am pretty amazed by them.  It feels like they're all heading towards their dream and therefore can focus hard on it and succeed.  But where am I?  I am studying two degrees, neither of which are what I really want to do, and therefore I am torn between the two professions as well as the wishful thinking of my personal dream.

I've also noticed that I'm a lot more similar to Koreans than I am with my exchange-student friends.  Although I know Chinese people and Korean people are different, the history and the backgrounds for education, health, wealth and psychology are really similar.  In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that most Asian countries have the same ways of thinking regarding those four subjects.  Actually, maybe not health and wealth, but I think education and psychology are the same.  By psychology, I really mean ideals, morals and just general way of thinking.  Anyway, so when my exchange student friends sound so surprised about certain things, or when they realise a certain way of thinking behind something else, I find it hard to relate to them because I don't find it surprising at all.  In fact, I find it surprising that they didn't know.

Which leads me to my third point - I honestly think I come off as stand-offish and a little bit haughty.  Maybe it's because I actually am, but I've been trying to change that about myself for a while now.  I can do the friendly gatherings and be the sociable acquaintance, but I keep feeling as though there is a barrier which I keep around myself.  While I want to be how other people are like - open, bubbly, okay with 'skinship' - I just can't bring myself to do it because it feels foreign to me.  I also seem to have a problem with saying out loud what I feel, and instead just write it down on here and hope that the people I want to say it to will read it.  Sometimes I think it's an automatic defence mechanism because of how I've been brought up by family, the community I grew up in and all the things which have happened in my life, but I really don't like to blame it on anything but myself, because then it sounds like I'm just excusing my behaviour because of other things and that it has nothing to do with me.

But the thing which I have been thinking about the most is that I am so grateful and happy to be here.  Not only because it's Korea, although that's a huge part of it, but because I am finally doing something which was what I wanted.  Something which I dreamed about for months and months before coming here and now that I'm actually here, it's turning out to be more than I hoped for.  The people I have met are people I am so grateful to have met and to have bonded with.  The things I have seen and experiences are like dreams.  The life lessons I have learnt are invaluable.  I am so looking forward to the next four and a half months.