LAZY UPDATE #11

I can't believe how fast the time has gone since mid-terms.  I am so not ready for finals, nor am I in the mood for studying like I was with my mid-terms.  These past few weeks have felt as though someone pressed fast-forward x32 on the remote control and everything has been such a blur.  A lot of stuff has been happening with my family coming over and me having to organise pretty much everything for their trip, which has made me stressed out - money, accomodation, travel fares, visas, finding out where to go - and then there's my visa and my dormitory accomodation for the summer and just everything has been building up and up.  I finally broke down on Friday because it was just all too much to handle, so hopefully now that I'm all cried out I can just focus on getting through the exams and into holidays!!!

So last Saturday (the last one in May) I went to watch a movie with a student from the Anseong campus of Chung Ang University.  She and I met during the Folk Village excursion a few months ago and we wanted to hang out in Seoul.  We had 삼게탕 samgyetang (herbal chicken) for lunch and then went to watch Kung Fu Panda 2.  It was my first time trying the chicken dish; ever since I came to Seoul I wanted to eat it.  It was okay.  The taste wasn't anything explosively amazing but it wasn't plain either.  KF2 was on the ordinary side as well.  I enjoyed the first one, but as with most sequels the second one wasn't the same.

Last Monday was my friend's birthday, and though he had celebrated it with drinks the night before, he wanted to do something on the actual day so a group of us went to the 찜질방 jjimjilbang (Korean sauna)! I didn't take any photos that night since I didn't know if it was appropriate to take my camera out, but it was a lot of fun.  There were lots of different kinds of saunas - some were super super hot and others were ice cold.     We also ate the hard-boiled eggs and drank 식혜 sikye (rice dessert drink) in the main common area.  It seriously felt like we were in drama.

On Thursday, me and my roommate decided to have a mini-party in our dorm room.  Both of us wanted to try 'take out' in our dorm room, whether it be pizza or chicken or a full meal, so we decided that Thursday would be the day.  I invited another friend to come along as well - she's Japanese but has studied Korean for three years - so we had three people.  We also had a cake because my roommate and I both had been craving for cake as well.

Friday night was the first time I stayed out after 1 am (our dormitory curfew is 1) and guess what I was doing? Shopping!! After our evening class, I didn't feel like going back to the dormitory so I asked a few of my friends to go shopping with me at Dongdaemun.  We went out at 10 pm and didn't come back until 6:30 am in the morning, but it was a lot of fun.  One of my friends' mum used to to own a clothes shop when she was young (my friend is Korean) so she knew the best places to go to for cheaper clothes.

What was really interesting about shopping that late/early was that it didn't feel like it was different from any other time.  When we got tired from shopping, we went to a cafe nearby to rest our legs and get a drink and it was packed.  Not just packed for 3 am in the morning but packed for any other normal time of the day.  And it wasn't only the cafe - the shopping complexes and streets were still full of people.

Today was Memorial Day, similar to ANZAC Day we have in Australia.  It's a public holiday so everyone has the day off.  Samil Church has this month-of-prayer thing where people go to morning service at 6.30 am everyday to pray for the church.  My leaders had been really promoting this event to everyone and though I was initially not going to go, I ended up going because a) it would be a welcome change from waking up late, b) they were going to watch a movie after the service and c) it would be something that I couldn't experience back home.  What I didn't expect were the amount of people who would turn up alongside with me.  The line of people could easily have been 1 km long - from the door of the church to the station exit of the subway.

The service was interesting, especially with the amount of people that were there.  After the service we had breakfast at the church, which was provided by the church.  We met up in our international fellowship group and then proceeded to go to the cinemas.  We split up into two groups - Kung Fu Panda 2 and X-Men: First Class - and went to our respective theatres. I'd been waiting to watch X-Men for a LONG time - my friends on Facebook would definitely know - so it was an easy choice for me.  And then we had dessert afterwards as a big group.

In other news: finals are next week.

MY ROOM MATE IS THE BEST

I haven't really talked about my room mate on my blog before, but I really should because she's one of the nicest and accepting people I know.  She also makes me laugh a lot because of the way she says things and acts, and I don't think I've ever gotten annoyed at her.  And that, my friends, is pretty spectacular on her behalf.  But unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that she's been annoyed at me before but is too nice to say anything about it.  Why do I say this?

Last night after I came home, I noticed that that the bathroom sink had been cleaned, my items were neatly stacked up and the toilet bin was clean.  I was like "Aw you didn't have to do that!" to my room mate, and I also apologised for being such a slob as well.  I'll be honest - I have only cleaned our room once, and that was during the first week I came here.  All the other times it's been my room mate who swept the floor and cleaned everything else.  I kept saying sorry over and over again, because I genuinely felt sorry for being so untidy and making her do all the work.  But she said something which I hope I will never forget: 

"You don't have to keep saying sorry.  Actions speak louder than words."

Of course I've heard this saying before, and I've probably said it a lot of times of as well, but it really affected me last night.  First of all, the way she said it made it sound like she was comforting me, when she was actually teaching me a lesson.  Secondly, the fact that she is patient enough to teach me rather than complain to other people about me (I think...) made me feel so much more guilty for not doing anything.  I've always been disciplined in the normal Asian way - my dad would yell at me for an hour until I was shaking and then I'd say sorry, but it would never really mean much to me.  

This time it feels different.  Why say sorry with empty words when I can show my genuine apology through actions? I've realised that I can say sorry over a thousand times and the only person it would benefit is me.  It only makes me feel better by saying sorry, but it doesn't help the other person at all.  The only way I can prove my sincerity is by making sure that I do something about it.  

WEIGHT, I'M NOT DONE YET

My roommate and I were talking about how we felt a different kind of pressure whilst studying here in Korea.  Both of us agreed that back at home, even though the assignments were worth more and probably needed more research or whatnot, the pressure wasn't as intense.  Here the pressure to study and do well is so apparent everywhere you go.  It got me thinking about what kind of pressures are more imminent here in Seoul than back at home and how they've affected me over these few months.  And the one which has probably affected the most is the weight factor.

Like so many other people have noticed, spoken about and warned me - the pressure to be thin is very obvious.  I am not kidding when I say that over 80% of the girls here look like bodies on two sticks.  Their legs are seriously.....진짜 장난아니다.  When you walk the streets of Seoul, you really start to understand how every girl has to be so self-conscious of her weight.  Before I came to Seoul, I read a lot of blogs where the bloggers themselves always expressed their indifference to the Korean thin-ness and how it didn't affect them.  I think it's great that they're not affected by it, but I guess I don't have their self-esteem nor their confidence to build up a wall against the slim-is-beauty propaganda.  I've never been naturally thin, and I've always had troubles with my weight.  So coming to a country where girls spend a lot of time grooming themselves and making sure they don't gain a single pound probably wasn't such a good idea, because I'm bound to be influenced by them.  And sure enough, the pressure and the constant advertisements about body lines and diets are getting to me.  The pressure to look thin and to BE thin is overwhelming.  It's one of the reasons why I would like to go back home and see some 'normal' sized people; "what is normal?" I hear you ask - well, that's another discussion for another time when I'm free.

CROWDED THOUGHTS

Do I continue to push myself to the next limit? Or stay and develop relationships with people around me?  Do they have to be mutually exclusive? Am I only focusing on what I want at the moment and not thinking of my future? Am I selfish because I want to stay here? Is it God's calling that I want to stay here? Why do I want to stay here?

The question of the moment is: should I extend my studies in Seoul further for one more semester?

Right now I have a raging debate going on in my head and it doesn't seem to be ceasing any time soon.  It's been two months since I first arrived in Seoul and yet it feels like I've been here so much longer.  I have fallen into the pattern of daily life here, just like daily life was back at home.  University, friends and church. But why does it feel more natural here than it does anywhere else?

I spoke to my parents this evening and we discussed whether staying in Seoul was a good idea or not.  My dad is against it.  He wants me to go back to Adelaide, study hard and then apply for another exchange to England.  That was actually the initial plan - one semester in Korea and one semester in England.  However, I didn't get into the England exchange program so the Korea exchange took place first.  Now that I'm here, I find myself not wanting to leave so soon.  I feel like if I stayed here for one year, then I would be able to let Seoul go more easily than if I left only after five months.  One semester only gives a shallow taste of what Korea is like and thus I would feel extremely eager to go back,  but one year would leave a deeper impression and probably satisfy me for a longer period of time.  Of course, I don't know if that's actually true or whether that's just my 'logical' reasoning for staying.

My dad mentioned that I should also go to England for the additional cultural experience.  One semester in an Asian country and one semester in a European country would be extremely beneficial for my CV, but I'm thinking about if it's good for me on a relationship-with-other-people basis.  I don't like shallow relationships.  When I become friends with somebody, the first thing I want to do is have a D&M with them and learn about their life story.  Sounds kind of weird, but I want to be able to help them and connect with them on a level where words aren't needed.  So for me to make friends in one semester and leave makes me feel like I've violated one of my personal rules.  I knew that I would make friends here and have to leave them, but if there's an option of getting to know them further by staying here longer .....I want to take that choice.

P.S. sorry about not updating for so long.  I've had mid-term exams (which are OVER! ^^) so I haven't actually been doing much.  Hopefully I'll start taking photos of what I do everyday again so I can start posting more often :)

WHERE ARE YOU?

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book." ~ Psalm 56:8

The Bible talks about how before we were even born, God knew everything about us already.  What we looked like, what we will look like later on, what our personalities are, why we'll think a certain way and most importantly: what our struggles will be.  It definitely is a comfort to me knowing that God knows about what I'm going through, but something which has always bothered me is that although He may know what we're going through, He's not here to hold my hand and teach me how to get through it.  He's not here so I can ask Him what to do and actually get a physical answer back.

I've recently realised that I've always only told God about everything and things have always worked out, but a lot of situations and questions have been popping up recently and it's a little overwhelming.  They're not big issues but they are problems which I would like to go away as soon as possible, or at least understand why they're here and why I can't seem to solve them.

And you know what's ironic?  As I'm typing this out in a coffee shop near the university, the background music is Michael Jackson's "You are not alone".  Thanks God :)

PERFECT TIMING

You know what?  God really does have his perfect timing.  Yesterday was a pretty emotional rollercoaster day even by my standards, and by the end of it I was completely drained.  First of all, I haven't really been sleeping well for the past week so I was extremely tired.  And then I went from feeling stressed and nervous about leading worship for the first time to church, to fun and awe when I went on a 'picnic' with church to Namsan Tower, to bittersweetness during dinner and coffee with friends to absolute seething anger by the end of the day because of something personal.  But it feels like God set up the day to happen just like that in order for me to learn about who I am and how I work.  

Yesterday's sermon was about salvation, and the pastor painted this image in my mind:

Imagine the whole world is on a hill. At the top is Heaven and at the bottom is Hell.  Everyone you know is running down the hill because it's fun and it's natural.  They're also carrying heavy bags (of sin) which keep getting bigger and bigger which makes it harder to stop going down due to the force of acceleration (he said gravity, but being the physics nerd that I am *cough*, I remembered that gravity doesn't change).  And then you see one or two people trying to go up the hill.  Why? Why would anyone want to go UP the hill? It's so difficult, it's so tiresome and it goes against the grain of the world's mindset.  

That's a short extraction from his sermon, but later he went on to ask where we, as Christians, were on that hill?  When he asked that question in the morning, I answered that I was between crawling and walking up the hill.  But last night, after all the crazy mixture of emotions and things going on, I was this close to running straight down the hill.  If it wasn't for one of my best friends helping me through the situation and advising me, I probably would have done something which I'd regret because I wanted to take things into my own hands and do what I felt right.  If it wasn't for Pastor Luke's sermon sticking with me and reminding me that I was going down the hill, it wouldn't have occurred to me that I needed to step back and re-evaluate my actions.  If it wasn't for two people telling me that I needed to go back to the Bible (on different situations), then I wouldn't have looked up verses on anger and saw God's message to me.  And at the end of the day, I remembered a line which came up during our Bible study: "GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH!"  At that time it was more of a joke, but last night it was perfect.  

A DIFFERENT LIFE

I've been having some pretty interesting conversations with my friends here over the past few days.  Last night I went to a little cafe/shop with some friends where we had chocolate fondant and Sangria, which is kind of like a red wine fruit punch.  We sat for four hours in that little cafe discussing everything from how Finnish people have saunas in their houses to Americans driving 1.5 km to the post office because they're too lazy to walk.  It was such an enjoyable evening because of how different everyone was.  Back at home, I don't think I've ever really talked to people from other countries other than Hong Kong and China.  And sometimes I think they don't really count because I am Chinese so it's not like they're foreign to me or what they do is different to what I do.

Today, after our Bible study session, me and Pam (church friend) didn't really feel like going home so we stayed around the area and hung out.  She took me to this Korean baseball hitting place (you see it all the time in dramas) near the church and I can say, with confidence, that I suck at baseball.  I hit three balls out of twenty while she hit pretty much every single one.  After that we went to a coffee shop, where one of the guys from church came to join us and the three of us (another guy came and joined, but then left) stayed in the shop and talked for a long time.  I realise, after tonight's conversations, that there are so many things I take for granted and also shouldn't complain about so much.  When I listen to other people's stories and experiences, I feel so silly for worrying about my own little life.

And honestly, when I think about what I've been hearing, seeing and experiencing in the past few weeks, the revelation that I am so inexperienced and ignorant of what goes on around me becomes stronger and stronger.  Every single day I'm here, I realise how much more there is to learn about the world - politics, economics, culture, media - and how little of all that I was exposed to back at home.  I mean, I have no regrets about living the conservative life I have at home because it has shaped me to who I am today, but now I wonder if I could adapt back to living like that again once I go back.

REFLECTION

Today's post isn't really about what I've done in Seoul for the past two weeks, or what I've eaten or what I've bought.  I'm going to focus on where my thoughts have led me; what have I been thinking about during these fourteen days?

In a lot of the classes which I take, the professors ask each individual to introduce their names, major, why they chose the class and what their future dream is.  What's surprised me is that most of the students are really clear on what they want in their life.  "I want to be a drama producer", "I want to be a documentary director", "I want to be a journalist because my father is one, and I respect him a lot."  It's so different to what I'm used to - because at home, no one knows what they want to do.  It's a lot of should-I-do-this-or-that'ing, a lot of oh-I-don't-know-it'll-work-out-somehow'ing.  When I sit and listen to the students in my classes, I am pretty amazed by them.  It feels like they're all heading towards their dream and therefore can focus hard on it and succeed.  But where am I?  I am studying two degrees, neither of which are what I really want to do, and therefore I am torn between the two professions as well as the wishful thinking of my personal dream.

I've also noticed that I'm a lot more similar to Koreans than I am with my exchange-student friends.  Although I know Chinese people and Korean people are different, the history and the backgrounds for education, health, wealth and psychology are really similar.  In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that most Asian countries have the same ways of thinking regarding those four subjects.  Actually, maybe not health and wealth, but I think education and psychology are the same.  By psychology, I really mean ideals, morals and just general way of thinking.  Anyway, so when my exchange student friends sound so surprised about certain things, or when they realise a certain way of thinking behind something else, I find it hard to relate to them because I don't find it surprising at all.  In fact, I find it surprising that they didn't know.

Which leads me to my third point - I honestly think I come off as stand-offish and a little bit haughty.  Maybe it's because I actually am, but I've been trying to change that about myself for a while now.  I can do the friendly gatherings and be the sociable acquaintance, but I keep feeling as though there is a barrier which I keep around myself.  While I want to be how other people are like - open, bubbly, okay with 'skinship' - I just can't bring myself to do it because it feels foreign to me.  I also seem to have a problem with saying out loud what I feel, and instead just write it down on here and hope that the people I want to say it to will read it.  Sometimes I think it's an automatic defence mechanism because of how I've been brought up by family, the community I grew up in and all the things which have happened in my life, but I really don't like to blame it on anything but myself, because then it sounds like I'm just excusing my behaviour because of other things and that it has nothing to do with me.

But the thing which I have been thinking about the most is that I am so grateful and happy to be here.  Not only because it's Korea, although that's a huge part of it, but because I am finally doing something which was what I wanted.  Something which I dreamed about for months and months before coming here and now that I'm actually here, it's turning out to be more than I hoped for.  The people I have met are people I am so grateful to have met and to have bonded with.  The things I have seen and experiences are like dreams.  The life lessons I have learnt are invaluable.  I am so looking forward to the next four and a half months.

SOME OBSERVATIONS

Okay, so after being in Seoul for a week here are some things which I've noticed.

Firstly, no one holds the door open for you.  Well, none of the local students do anyway.  The teachers, other international students and exchange students do, but if you're walking behind a bunch of people then expect to get door swung into your face if you're not careful.

Secondly, almost all the professors (almost of all of mine anyway) will discourage you from taking their class.  I think it might be because all my classes are the ones being taught in English so they don't want that many people, but I don't really know about that.  Lots of professors who are teaching the English classes openly say that they don't want to do it - they were 'forced' to do it by the university.  So I think local people don't really like to speak English.

Thirdly, every girl pretty much dresses the same except for their shoes.  There are four types - high heels, converse sneakers, boots/booties or ugg boots.  For the boys it's almost like a uniform - cap, baseball jacket and jeans.  You'll get some guys looking fashionable but they're mostly in the Arts department so go figure.

And lastly?  All the things you've seen in dramas? The coffee cups with straws, the modification of faces, the super-packed subways, the drunk ahjusshis who go very red in the face?  IT'S ALL TRUE.  Oh, but no crazy, four-way love story.

Here, have a bagel.