HOME

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10


Well hello, personal devotions.  Long time no see.  I'll keep it short.

I'm a big believer in the saying "Home is where the heart is".  You can have birthplaces, places you have great memories in, the place where you grew up, but 'home' as a definition can mean so many different things.  In the message given in today's personal devotion, it mentions a child of God is always welcomed home.  In this context, home for me would be church.   I've always subconsciously known that church is a place which makes me happy, despite all the drama which goes on sometimes, but I think this clarifies why I feel safe there.  When I first went to Samil Church, it didn't feel like a foreign church, or an English-speaking Korean church, but it felt like home.  I remember when that Sunday I wasn't really feeling that happy, but as soon as I stepped inside the building I could feel so much love going around.  That probably sounds so sappy and cringe-worthy and all that stuff which makes me shudder, but at that moment in time I felt so thankful that I was part of God's family.  Knowing that He will always be there for me, knowing that He will always have his arms wide open despite me failing all these times....it's something which can't be described.

WHERE ARE YOU?

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book." ~ Psalm 56:8

The Bible talks about how before we were even born, God knew everything about us already.  What we looked like, what we will look like later on, what our personalities are, why we'll think a certain way and most importantly: what our struggles will be.  It definitely is a comfort to me knowing that God knows about what I'm going through, but something which has always bothered me is that although He may know what we're going through, He's not here to hold my hand and teach me how to get through it.  He's not here so I can ask Him what to do and actually get a physical answer back.

I've recently realised that I've always only told God about everything and things have always worked out, but a lot of situations and questions have been popping up recently and it's a little overwhelming.  They're not big issues but they are problems which I would like to go away as soon as possible, or at least understand why they're here and why I can't seem to solve them.

And you know what's ironic?  As I'm typing this out in a coffee shop near the university, the background music is Michael Jackson's "You are not alone".  Thanks God :)

COUNTING BLESSINGS BEFORE I SLEEP

"Praise the LORD, O my soul and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases...he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." Psalm 103:2-3, 10

Dear God,

I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you for a long time.  I'm sorry for breaking the promise, yet again, of how I would read the Bible every day and listen to what You want to tell me.  You have always been my rock and shoulder of support whenever I needed it; I always turn to you when I need help, but push you away when I think everything is going fine and I'm caught up in the midst of the materialistic world of clothes and food.  Thankyou for always being there.  Thankyou for treating me well, even if I don't deserve it.  I'm so thankful that you forgive us whenever we make mistakes.  Please help me to be like You.  Please help me to understand what Your will for me is, and guide me towards that path.  

Tonight I read the Bible again for the first time in a week.   And you know what God is telling me?  Esther, wake up and realise that God has given you so many good things in your life - why do you keep wishing you were different?  Why do you think your life is not rich and fulfilling?  Count your blessings, Esther.  Count them and open your eyes to what He wants you to see.  

THE EYE THAT NEVER SLEEPS

The LORD will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;  the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.- Psalm 121:7-8

The morning after I arrived in Hong Kong, my grandpa told my mum and I that one of our relatives had passed away earlier on in the year.  She wasn't an extremely close relative, but I had visited her the last time I came back and was planning to again.  She would have been 106 years old this year.  I remember being told that she was still really energetic for her age, because she could still walk by herself and speak coherently, albeit a little mumbled.  The news of her death didn't really shock us, I mean...she was 106, but it started a few conversations about death which have continued over the past few days.

Yesterday, my mum was talking about how during the last few months she had 'left' Australia and wasn't there anymore.  My grandma, who's still a little superstitious on the language, told her off for saying 'left'.  In Chinese, my mum said 走 zou (가), which literally means to go or to leave.  It's also a more passive way of saying that someone died, which is why my grandma was so sensitive.  She reprimanded her immediately and said that my mum should have used 'I was not in Australia', instead of 'leaving'.  

When I read this morning's Bible passage, it struck me that my Hong Kong family is still so sensitive about death.  As a Christian, I know that I will be going to Heaven when I die, which is why I'm not scared of death at all.  In fact sometimes I wish it could come sooner, but that's a different issue.  God has promised that he won't sleep or slumber while watching over us, so we shouldn't be scared about anything.  He's like Big Brother, but in the best way possible.  

(After our mission trip, my mum challenged the whole team to a new year resolution.  She asked us to improve in one part of our spiritual life, and I chose to do personal devotions.  As you might have read, I'm not really that great at doing them everyday.  Therefore, I've decided to keep an online journal of them in hope that I will feel guilty if I miss a day.  I won't update them daily, just the ones which I think are important for myself :) )