WHERE ARE YOU?

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book." ~ Psalm 56:8

The Bible talks about how before we were even born, God knew everything about us already.  What we looked like, what we will look like later on, what our personalities are, why we'll think a certain way and most importantly: what our struggles will be.  It definitely is a comfort to me knowing that God knows about what I'm going through, but something which has always bothered me is that although He may know what we're going through, He's not here to hold my hand and teach me how to get through it.  He's not here so I can ask Him what to do and actually get a physical answer back.

I've recently realised that I've always only told God about everything and things have always worked out, but a lot of situations and questions have been popping up recently and it's a little overwhelming.  They're not big issues but they are problems which I would like to go away as soon as possible, or at least understand why they're here and why I can't seem to solve them.

And you know what's ironic?  As I'm typing this out in a coffee shop near the university, the background music is Michael Jackson's "You are not alone".  Thanks God :)

PERFECT TIMING

You know what?  God really does have his perfect timing.  Yesterday was a pretty emotional rollercoaster day even by my standards, and by the end of it I was completely drained.  First of all, I haven't really been sleeping well for the past week so I was extremely tired.  And then I went from feeling stressed and nervous about leading worship for the first time to church, to fun and awe when I went on a 'picnic' with church to Namsan Tower, to bittersweetness during dinner and coffee with friends to absolute seething anger by the end of the day because of something personal.  But it feels like God set up the day to happen just like that in order for me to learn about who I am and how I work.  

Yesterday's sermon was about salvation, and the pastor painted this image in my mind:

Imagine the whole world is on a hill. At the top is Heaven and at the bottom is Hell.  Everyone you know is running down the hill because it's fun and it's natural.  They're also carrying heavy bags (of sin) which keep getting bigger and bigger which makes it harder to stop going down due to the force of acceleration (he said gravity, but being the physics nerd that I am *cough*, I remembered that gravity doesn't change).  And then you see one or two people trying to go up the hill.  Why? Why would anyone want to go UP the hill? It's so difficult, it's so tiresome and it goes against the grain of the world's mindset.  

That's a short extraction from his sermon, but later he went on to ask where we, as Christians, were on that hill?  When he asked that question in the morning, I answered that I was between crawling and walking up the hill.  But last night, after all the crazy mixture of emotions and things going on, I was this close to running straight down the hill.  If it wasn't for one of my best friends helping me through the situation and advising me, I probably would have done something which I'd regret because I wanted to take things into my own hands and do what I felt right.  If it wasn't for Pastor Luke's sermon sticking with me and reminding me that I was going down the hill, it wouldn't have occurred to me that I needed to step back and re-evaluate my actions.  If it wasn't for two people telling me that I needed to go back to the Bible (on different situations), then I wouldn't have looked up verses on anger and saw God's message to me.  And at the end of the day, I remembered a line which came up during our Bible study: "GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH!"  At that time it was more of a joke, but last night it was perfect.  

COUNTING BLESSINGS BEFORE I SLEEP

"Praise the LORD, O my soul and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases...he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities." Psalm 103:2-3, 10

Dear God,

I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you for a long time.  I'm sorry for breaking the promise, yet again, of how I would read the Bible every day and listen to what You want to tell me.  You have always been my rock and shoulder of support whenever I needed it; I always turn to you when I need help, but push you away when I think everything is going fine and I'm caught up in the midst of the materialistic world of clothes and food.  Thankyou for always being there.  Thankyou for treating me well, even if I don't deserve it.  I'm so thankful that you forgive us whenever we make mistakes.  Please help me to be like You.  Please help me to understand what Your will for me is, and guide me towards that path.  

Tonight I read the Bible again for the first time in a week.   And you know what God is telling me?  Esther, wake up and realise that God has given you so many good things in your life - why do you keep wishing you were different?  Why do you think your life is not rich and fulfilling?  Count your blessings, Esther.  Count them and open your eyes to what He wants you to see.  

NEVER GIVING UP

20th February, 2011

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." - Galatians 6:7-10

Sometimes I find it strange that people can use cliché sayings like "you reap what you sow" without ever wondering where the term came from.  What I find even more strange is that more people will use the term but refuse to believe in the Bible.  If you can use the instructions given from God, then why do you deny that He is there?

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to say in this post.  The verse which stuck out to me this morning was "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  It corresponds with one of the fruits of the Spirit - patience.  I have to admit that I'm not a patient person.  I will give up easily if I don't see things working out quickly, which means I lose the opportunity to see what could have been if I had persevered.  I will also lose focus or confidence if I find something difficult.  


As Christians, we are supposed to live a life where we can reflect Jesus's love for everybody else and also tell other people about God.  But being a Christian is difficult.  People will make fun of you, others will openly state their dislike and opinions of Christianity - all of whom are friends and family, which makes it worse.  I guess it isn't so much patience which is a problem when it comes to Christianity, but it's my proneness to giving up and becoming 'weary' all too quickly.  When so many people are against my faith, I start to cower and become afraid to speak out because I don't think I can win them over.

I was reading a book last week where a character in a story said: "Well if you look at it from the perspective of the Bible, then there's a devil - Satan - who's fighting God.  Naturally, if the devil wants to destroy the truth, he has to discredit anyone who speaks it.  So if Jesus spoke the truth to people, then the first thing the devil has to do is make Jesus look ridiculous and deceiving.  And that's precisely what we see in the world."  When I read that, I realised just how true it was.  But strangely enough, it didn't make me scared.  In fact it made me want to go out there and not give up in doing good to other people, to show them God's love.  Because I realised it wasn't just me against them anymore. It's me and God against Satan.  Who will win?  God, of course.  

AUTONOMY

" 'Everything is permissible for me' - but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible for me' - but I will not be mastered by anything...Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honour God with your body."  - 1 Corinthians 6:12, 19-20

My family recently returned to doing a weekly family devotion after taking a break for a long time.  Last week's devotion topic was about 'Letting Go' in terms of the parents letting go of their children.  My sister and I started to voice out our opinions on how our parents haven't really 'let us go' when we came upon the subject of autonomy.  Seeing as I'm almost twenty - I know, very scary thought - and my sister is almost twenty-three, it's only natural that we want some autonomy in our decision making.  I think every person going through this stage of life would feel this way.  Actually, any person at some point in time regardless of age will favour making their own decision rather than being told what to do.  As we were talking, my dad kept repeating this one phrase: "There are some things you can be wrong about, but there are some things which you can never be wrong about."  It's a bit more stronger in Chinese,  but basically it means that some mistakes are harmless, but other mistakes can ruin your entire life.

When I read this passage this morning, I immediately thought of our discussion from last week.  " 'Everything is permissible for me' - but not everything is beneficial."  We want to be able to make our own decisions when we grow up.  We want to know that we are capable of looking after ourselves by ourselves, and that the decisions we make are the rights ones.  But how do we know what is right and what is wrong?  In this world, everything is available - good or bad.  How do we know what the right decision is?

A lot of the time, people think that Christians are kept so tightly by rules in the Bible.  We can't do this, we can't do that, we're basically party poopers because the Bible won't allow us to have fun.  To be honest, I've felt that way too.  But what is fun?  Everyone's definition is bound to be different so why restrict people to your own definition of fun.  We have our own mind to determine if the 'fun' that other people present to us is beneficial to ourselves or not.  It's not God telling us what is right and wrong, it's the brain and mind which God gave us which determines what we do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that autonomy is good, but only after a certain point.  We need to have enough experiences in life, where someone has cushioned our fall from mistakes, before we're ready to make the harder decisions.  We're never by ourselves because He is always watching over us, but in real life, we need to make the cushion ourselves when we mistakes.

MY HEART BELONGS TO YOU

This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the LORD...Like a partridge that hatches eggs it did not lay are those who gain riches by unjust means. When their lives are half gone, their riches will desert them, and in the end they will prove to be fools. - Jeremiah 17:5,11

I started this blog as a way to encourage myself to keep up with my personal devotions.  I have, yet again, failed.  I guess you could say it wasn't as bad as last time when I stopped doing them for almost three months, but it is still a failure.  The reason for why I failed this time was because I a) lazy and b) didn't feel like I needed Him at the moment.  I just finished Big Week Out, which was a step in the right direction, and then I slide back down again.

When I read this verse this evening, the sentence "who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord" really stood out to me.  I know that I can rely on God for everything, but I'm scared that it's just head knowledge for me.  Is my heart really with God?  Do I truly believe that He will take care of me?  I ask these questions in my mind, but straight away I know that the answer is yes.  It's just that doubt gnaws away at me sometimes.

DEBRIEFING MY BIG WEEK OUT

Big Week Out is always an interesting journey for me.  I always seem to start off really tentative but then end up loving it so much and wishing it could go on for longer.  This year was no different.  Even though I've been to so many BWO's already, every first evening of the week feels like I'm going for the first time.  Gradually, as we go out serving with different people and forming friendships, I start realising that it's just this big gathering of Christians coming together with one purpose: to show God's love to people who don't know about it.  There is nothing scary about it.

I was involved with different activities every day this time - backyard blitz, renovations for an op-shop, visiting a nursing home and visiting a disability centre.  I think it was really lucky because a lot of people did the same type of activity e.g. backyard blitzing or visiting nursing homes twice.  The place where I had the most fun was the disability centre because we played UNO with the residents and joked around a lot with their carers.  But the place where I found it to be the most meaningful was the nursing home I visited on Thursday.  Another leader and I were taken to a room where a lot of the elderly were just sitting there, watching the tennis (by the way, I am so disappointed by this years Australian Open results) and just passing time.  We gave them hand massages, played skittles, threw a ball around with them and took them on walks outside in the garden.  It was a place where I felt so drawn to help out.  I think in previous years I pitied them, but this year I wanted them to just be comfortable and happy.  I think something's changed in me.  When I went to the disability centre today, I had the same kind of feeling.  I don't just want people to pity them and say "Oh it's so sad that they're there" and then just forget about it.  All the residents in nursing homes and disability centres are people too.  I want them to know God as well.

What I really liked about BWO as well this year were the people I got to know.  They were people I knew of, but never really talked to or had a chance to meet, so I felt kind of awkward.  I think I'm weird in that way.  I can open up my heart to a complete stranger but with people I've met once or twice, or know of but don't actually know  know, then I get kind of ....shy.  I also seem like a bit of a loner when I don't have people I know to hang out with so I think I need to change this habit.  Despite this, I'm really thankful that I got to know people better.  This way I won't try to avoid them or shy away from them as easily.

All in all, this was probably one of the better BWO's I've been to so far.  But it doesn't just stop after tonight. This year there was a really strong message and emphasis on keeping our servant heart attitude throughout this whole year and not just this week.  We were given 'homework', I guess, and I really hope that I can get an A-grade in it.

P.S.  When I first found out that the verse on our BWO t-shirts was the verse which I chose to put up beneath my header when I first started this blog last year, I was O_O

NO MORE PAIN

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” - Revelation 21:3-4

Death is something a lot of people are worried or concerned about.  I think it's because they don't know what it's like.  People who have had near death experiences describe it different ways.  Some people describe it as a painful struggle, others have told stories where they see the light at the end of the tunnel while others say they see their whole life flash by and realise how much wrong they have done.  Like I said before, I have never feared death and will never fear it.  I do get scared about how I die though.  Obviously it would be nice to just pass away in my sleep, or if it's not a natural death then I would prefer it to be instant e.g. bullet through my brain or getting hit by a bus and instantly dying.  (I know, how morbid and weird of me to describe my ideal dying circumstances.)

But I, like any other, am afraid of pain.  I am scared that when I die, it will be slow and painful.  Which is why I really like today's verse.  Either when Jesus comes back for the second time or when I die - whichever one comes first - pain and suffering for me will cease.  I will be able to go to a place where it's beautiful and perfect and completely pain free.  And that is what I really really want for my friends and family and everyone in this world.

FALLING OVER

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

"And God is faithful....stand up under it" is quoted a lot of times, especially when someone's talking about temptation and standing up against it.  But I think I like the focus of verse 12 more: "So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" It doesn't just talk about giving in to temptation but it makes it clear that we should never consider ourselves above temptation.  I think there's a message of 'pride before fall' in there; there are times when I feel like I'm really okay with God and everything is going well in my spiritual life and don't think I need Him anymore, and then I will slip and continue falling until I get back to my rut.

It is comforting to know that God will never let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, but it's also important to know that Satan definitely wants us to be tempted and will do anything to make us fall.  The verses before verse 12 explain that those who give in to temptation constantly will be subject to bad consequences e.g. "we should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did - and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died." (v. 8)

In the words of Alfred Pennyworth, aka Michael Caine from Batman Begins, "Why do we fall, sir? So that we might better learn to pick ourselves up." We need to remember that when we fall, we should try and get up as soon as possible, otherwise the slope becomes steeper and harder to climb up again.

IN THE SECRET

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. - Matthew 6:1

There's an event called Big Week Out which I've gone to about five times now.  It's main purpose is for the young people of Adelaide to go out and participate in acts of community service like gardening, clowning, pancake stalls and house renovations.  Quite a lot of people attend this event.  It runs during the last week of January, which is the week before school starts in Australia.  During my previous experiences, the people I worked with at Big Week Out were really friendly and very sociable.  They were a good bunch of people to hang out with and to share experiences with. 

I've also been on three mission trips during my short lifetime, all of which were enjoyable in their own way.  Each time we set out to help people with different things, whether it be their health, their spiritual life, their English abilities or their music skills.  Each time I go away on a mission trip, people will tell me that it's so good of me to be willing to help out the needy and the poor.  Some will tell me that I'm such a good person, or that I'm a good Christian because I'm going out of my way to do God's work.

When I read through this morning's devotion, I immediately thought of Big Week Out and my mission trips. After reading Matthew 6:1-6 and 16-18, this line keeps coming into my head: "Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." As I was reading the verses this morning, I kept asking myself one question - do I go out and participate in these activities because of my love for God and because I really want to do His work, or because I like the recognition and the stigma which comes from doing these activities?  

Although it's not 100% the latter, I'm still not proud to say that the latter does factor into my choice of participating or not.  I find the line between working for God and working for myself to be extremely thin, and it's a line which I often cross without realising or wanting to.  After this morning's devotion, I realise that I'm going to have to do a bit of self-interrogating and cross-examining in order to be at ease with myself. 

THE EYE THAT NEVER SLEEPS

The LORD will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;  the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.- Psalm 121:7-8

The morning after I arrived in Hong Kong, my grandpa told my mum and I that one of our relatives had passed away earlier on in the year.  She wasn't an extremely close relative, but I had visited her the last time I came back and was planning to again.  She would have been 106 years old this year.  I remember being told that she was still really energetic for her age, because she could still walk by herself and speak coherently, albeit a little mumbled.  The news of her death didn't really shock us, I mean...she was 106, but it started a few conversations about death which have continued over the past few days.

Yesterday, my mum was talking about how during the last few months she had 'left' Australia and wasn't there anymore.  My grandma, who's still a little superstitious on the language, told her off for saying 'left'.  In Chinese, my mum said 走 zou (가), which literally means to go or to leave.  It's also a more passive way of saying that someone died, which is why my grandma was so sensitive.  She reprimanded her immediately and said that my mum should have used 'I was not in Australia', instead of 'leaving'.  

When I read this morning's Bible passage, it struck me that my Hong Kong family is still so sensitive about death.  As a Christian, I know that I will be going to Heaven when I die, which is why I'm not scared of death at all.  In fact sometimes I wish it could come sooner, but that's a different issue.  God has promised that he won't sleep or slumber while watching over us, so we shouldn't be scared about anything.  He's like Big Brother, but in the best way possible.  

(After our mission trip, my mum challenged the whole team to a new year resolution.  She asked us to improve in one part of our spiritual life, and I chose to do personal devotions.  As you might have read, I'm not really that great at doing them everyday.  Therefore, I've decided to keep an online journal of them in hope that I will feel guilty if I miss a day.  I won't update them daily, just the ones which I think are important for myself :) )

CONCLUSIONS OF MISSION TRIP

Our mission trip work in Phnom Penh is over now.  It's been almost two weeks exactly since I've been able to have access to the internet, and it's definitely been a strange two weeks.  I'll expand a bit more about Cambodia in later posts, but here are some points which sum up my thoughts about the mission trip.

1. It was very different to my first two mission trips in Thailand, and I think I was disappointed that it wasn't the same.  That in turn affected my overall attitude.

2. I wish we were able to spend more time with the university students.  It would have been nice to be able to build a deeper relationship with them and talk to them more.

3. I'm glad we were able to build relationships with the children after seeing them almost everyday.  We all had our own favourites and agreed on the general not-so-favourites.

4. My personal relationship with God? A strange and interesting development, and perhaps not the way I expected it to turn out. 

I'll definitely post some pictures and more detailed blog posts about Cambodia later on! I just need to get the pictures from everyone else. 

Now our team is resting in a very nice hotel in Siem Reap.  We had been looking forward to this hotel the whole trip, and were anticipating what it would look like during our bus trip here.  We saw lots and lots of big, beautiful hotels and were all like "Wow! That's so pretty!"  We had just pointed to one gold hotel and exclaimed that it was so big, and then our car turned the opposite direction into a smaller, wooden-looking hotel.  It was quite funny.  In a way, it's slightly ironic and meaningful.  I guess it teaches us that big is not always better, because our hotel is extremely comfortable and lovely.  There's a pool, buffet breakfast, free internet and air-conditioning.  Those four items alone made all of us smile and laugh with happiness. 

I finally recieved my offer of acceptance from CAU after checking my email today.  I can't wait to go home and start preparing and packing.  In less than two months, I will be in Korea and living a life which I have been dreaming about for quite some time.  I have heard that there has been an outbreak of bird flu and foot-and-mouth disease in Seoul, and it's quite scary.  I can only pray that God will look after me!

GOODBYE ADELAIDE

Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time. —1 Peter 5:6
fd
I finally read the Bible again last night, on the eve of our Cambodia mission trip.  It was kind of strange. The whole night I had been worrying and freaking out that I had forgotten something, or that everything would go wrong and that my dad would blow up due to the amount of stress he's under.  When I opened up my devotional email (I get it emailed to me.  Save the trees), the first two words I saw were Significant Surrender.  It was almost like a slap in the face, but in a nice way.  It was only then I remembered that I had forgotten to give up this mission to God.  Instead, I was just trying to get through it by myself.  I know I haven't been reading the Bible lately, and I guess this was the wake-up call I needed.  
fd
As we set out on our mission trip, I think it's really important for me to keep lifting this mission to Him.  I also have to remember that we are doing His work, not our own.  Gratitude, recognition and praise should all go to him.  For someone who likes to take credit for her work and for recognition of efforts, I think this will be really hard for me to do.  All I can do is remember to keep reading the Bible, otherwise I'll go off again.  I really don't want to live that kind of life anymore.  

POINT THE FINGER AT YOURSELF

  At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
   But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
   At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
   “No one, sir,” she said.
   “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” ~ John 8:2-11

I found out something about someone I really care about a few months ago, and at that time it felt like the world was going to end.  I never imagined that this person could even think about this kind of activity, let alone perform it.  During the time of my absolute shock and disbelief, I remember feeling so heavy and locked up inside.  I needed to tell someone badly but couldn't find anyone suitable or trustworthy enough to tell.  In the end, I ended up telling my mum about what happened.  Like me, she was extremely shocked and together we started crying for this person.  It was even harder for her because she had trusted this person a lot.  I'm not going to disclose who this person is, and please don't try to guess who it is either, because the main point of this blog is not to frame but to work things out with God.

I don't understand why this person has chosen to lie continuously to me, but one of the most important lessons I have learnt from this experience is that I am not entitled to blame them.  No one is.  A lot of the time, I am surrounded by people who point and turn their noses up at other people who have done wrong in their lifetime.  I myself am also guilty of doing this.  What we don't remember is we are not perfect either.  And if we ignore, gossip about or get angry with people who have wronged us, or done something offensive to us, then we are doing the exact same act to God.  This person may have done something so unspeakable and so greatly sinful in our eyes, but to God, it is the same as our little white lies.  A stolen look at a girl/boy, a second of hatred towards someone else - they are all the same.

It has been a long time since I've discovered the lie, and I can honestly say it wasn't easy to forgive.  I know we should forget and forgive, but it doesn't come naturally to me.  When it comes to circumstances such as these, my memory does not let it go easily.  Even today, as I'm writing this post, I am not sure if I've truly forgiven them.  All I know is that I am relieved to know that God is control of our lives, because if it were up to us, then we would all be extremely, extremely screwed.

TWO DAYS LEFT

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ~ 1 Peter 5:8-9
fdsa
Time has flown by so quickly ever since the university semester finished.  There are only two days left until I go on a mission trip with my church to Pnhom Penh in Cambodia.  I remember thinking that it was going to ages until this time arrived, but now it has.   And I'm not sure I'm particularly ready for it, both physically and spiritually.  
fdsa
When we had our first meeting as a team, our team leader (who is also known to me as Dad) asked us to keep a devotional journal.  We were supposed to write down what we learnt from our personal devotions, which we try to do daily.  It took me a while to get started on that journal because I hadn't really been doing those daily devotions.  Once I started, I realised that reading the Bible really did make a difference in my life.  An obvious thing which I noticed was that I became a lot happier.  I had stopped reading the Bible for quite some time already, and during that time I found myself really depressed and negative about myself.  I told my mum about it one day, and she asked me to read the Bible.  It was actually really amazing, because I remember reading the passage from that day's daily devotion and I completely related to it.   
fdsa
"I really understand this passage.  Ever since I’ve started reading the Bible again, it feels like God’s telling me all these things which are the reasons for why I’ve been so depressed.  Today’s passage really hit home with me.  I have become so self-obsessed and so isolated from the world that I failed to understand why people avoid me.  God wants us to be like Jesus; to associate with everyone and to be friends with anyone.  No one doesn’t deserve God’s love. " ~ October 14, 2010
fdsa
That was what I wrote after reading the Bible again.  It was such a good feeling.  Unfortunately, the reason why I'm writing this post is because I have again fallen into the trap of not doing my devotionals.  And even worse is that we're leaving for the mission trip in two days time.  I haven't done my devotionals for almost a month again.  Somehow I've felt that because I'm not unhappy anymore, I don't need God.  Even though I know I'm doing something wrong, I don't have the motivation to correct my mistake.  I think about it now, and I realise Satan has won me over.  It makes me feel so silly to think that I fell for Satan's trap.  As a leader of CIA (our youth group) and as a Sunday School teacher, how could I have not done what I taught my students and my dongsaengs?
fdsa
I can't say I'm glad that I know I'm wrong now, because I know I've been wrong for a while.  I am glad, however, that I now realise it was Satan trying to make me unprepared for this mission trip.  I'm not trying to shift the blame though.  I readily admit that I am not as strong of a Christian as some people might think I am and therefore easily tempted.   I do pray that I am able to become a stronger Christian after this mission trip.  I know that the mission trip alone won't make me stronger; rather, it will be my responsibility to pursue God's Word and live it in my life.